The Onion: Anthony Weiner: ‘Announces Bid For Whatever’s Left’

Source:The Onion– unemployed New York City career politician Anthony Weiner, desperate for work at taxpayers expense.

“Apple unveils a panicked man with no ideas, Bashar Al-Assad tries a tiny bit of sarin gas on himself to see what it’s like, and a billboard alerts commuters to the existence of a situational comedy starring stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld. It’s the week of September 13, 2013. For more breaking news: The Onion.”

From The Onion

Too bad for Anthony Weiner, or can we call him Tony now: I mean seriously, why is The Weiner the only man in America that can’t go by a nickname? Does his sexting scandal really make his so much more special than anyone else?

Too bad his first name isn’t Richard and he’s not short, because Little Dick would’ve been the perfect nickname for him. I hear there are real job openings for real jobs out there in New York City and perhaps Tony should apply for one of them. Unless the job requires him to keep his pants on the whole time he is working. Perhaps Tony should look for a real job and get out of politics.

Apparently Tony Weiner is the only career politician/workaholic who can’t find a job. So that would be something that would make him special. If you saw The Onion report about the guy with the 42,000 jobs back in 2012, maybe that is why Tony can’t find one, because that workaholic has every job that was still available in New York City.

Being a workaholic without a job must be tough. That would be like a fish with no water and trying to learn how to swim. Or being an institutionalized prison inmate who has spent most of your life in prison and learning that every prison and jail in America is about to be closed. And you’ll be released on the outside as a result.

With Tony Weiner’s professional background and that the fact that he’s a Weiner, he shouldn’t have any real trouble finding work in New York City. Wait, Rudy Giuliani and Mike Bloomberg closed down most of the strip clubs in New York. So maybe Tony will support the nanny state less now since it is now costing him work that he’s qualified for. But he’s a former U.S. Representative and sexter, so he would be perfect in Washington, if he wants to come back. And he could get himself involved in sexy scandals there, without worrying about it costing him his job.

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The Onion: ‘Report, High Unemployment Linked to One Man with 42,000 Jobs’

Source:The Onion– the man with too many jobs, while millions of Americans are unemployed.
Source:The Daily Press

“High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs. A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one. (Aired 10/25/11)”

From The Onion

Maybe if we didn’t have so many damn workaholics like the Jim Richmond’s of the world who work in three difference cities on the same say, doing three different jobs at once, we wouldn’t have the high unemployment that we have. Just throwing a stupid thought out there.

Source:The Daily Press– the three men along with Jim Richmond who are responsible for the high unemployment in America?

No wonder we have so much unemployment in this country. Jim Smith lets call him (for lack of a last name) has 42K jobs. You know to be honest with you, I have a hard time believing that one person could manage 42K jobs. I mean he would have to be Superman on steroids. A man with 14-21 thousand clones to pull this off, even making Mitt Romney jealous of all the clones he has. Perhaps Jim borrowed some of his clones from Mitt. He would have to be the worst workaholic imaginable. Someone who never sleeps, perhaps always on caffeine picking up a caffeine addiction while working at Starbucks and running another Starbucks.

Jim Smith with that caffeine addiction, to be able to fly planes on the weekend, while he’s air traffic controlling other planes in another city, at the same time. Flying from New York to St. Louis, while landing planes in Miami. His kids probably don’t remember the last time they’ve seen him. His wife or several of his wives (perhaps he’s Mormon) and ladies he’s met on 2000 of his jobs, have already filed missing person reports. But the problem that police have, no not that they ran out of coffee and doughnuts, Jim gave them a new supply, while working at Dunkin Doughnuts. The problem that police have is that they don’t know which Jim Smith to look for.

How do you track someone down with 42K jobs? Not only that, but how do you track down someone with 42K jobs named Jim Smith? You look up that name in a phonebook and you see 1K guys with that name and then maybe you say: “Well, how many guys named Jim Smith with 42K jobs?” Well, only one if any, but I’m skeptical that one guy could have all of those jobs. I know what you are thinking to be skeptical of that there is a guy with 42K jobs, would be like trying to believe that Mitt Romney is unemployed, or Barack Obama is a Socialist or Santa Clause doesn’t really exist.

Well, call me crazy then, but I don’t believe it to begin with. I have this weird suspicion that this story was made up by Onion News and I know what you are thinking. That Onion News reports more facts than Fox News. Well thats true, but if Mitt Romney is unemployed, then anything is possible. I mean who says that President Obama’s economic policies aren’t working: 42K jobs were created for one man alone.

With that type of job growth, we can create so many jobs, that we won’t have enough unemployed workers and then we won’t need as big as a safety net. Which of course would drive so-called Progressives (hyper active Socialists, really ) crazy to the point where they would come up with policies to layoff more workers, but wouldn’t that be a nice problem to have.

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